A little short I wrote at the last minute for FridayFlash. I’ve got about 15 minutes in it so let me know if you catch anything i should hang my head over.
Hunger
By Jason Warden
The dead boy watches from a distance as the men lower the box that holds his earthly remains into the ground. He thinks it’s likely what they found out there in the field has already been taken to the incinerator or has simply been thrown out with the other biohazard material. He watches, hoping only that his mother has not seen what they found out there. That she refused to look, or they refused to show. He doesn’t think she can handle the truth of what has happened to him.
He is watching her, trying to see if she knows, if she has seen, but she gives away nothing but racking sobs as his dad holds her close to his chest and smothers her cries into his body. But his eyes are dry, and not,the boy sees, focused on the service, the casket, or even his mother. He is looking toward the trees where the boy crouches as if suspecting the eyes that are upon him. The boy shivers and tries to make himself even smaller behind the copse of trees. He wills the truth to not be so plain.
Hands clasp his shoulders, and the boy nearly screams under their fierce grip.
“Come, it’s time.”
“Where?” he asks, but as the white face looms toward him in answer, its mouth works, the jawbones like small pistons in the engine of destruction, and he sees the fangs that mirror his own newer ones.
“Time to feed.”
The boy begins to whimper, but then realizes his stomach has been rumbling ever since he hunkered to watch.
Jason Warden's Experimental Muse 
Love moment-in-time flash. I think it works better than trying to tell some larger story. Thanks.
Ooh, nice and creepy! Great job in so few words Jason. I'm so proud! 🙂
Yay for vampires! My only negative critique is that the pronouns in the second paragraph got messy for me with so many he and his uses attributed to two characters.
I really liked the snippet in time aspect though, and the glimpse of the pain the boy must be suffering to watch his own funeral.
Wow! At first I thought the MC was the victim of a grizzly crime scene, but he is a vampire reflecting on what was lost in such a small moment of time. Well done. I like the MC attachement to his old life and his craving in the new.
You conveyed a lot of emotion there in a very short amount of time. Sorrow, discomfort, and fear all wrapped into a fascinating read.
Another excellent one, Jason. The emotions are all so intense, the scene vivid. Pretty darn good for 15 minutes' work, I'd say.
Creepy and grim in the best way possible. 🙂
Great shot of emotions in so few words, man. You do the "gut punch" horror very well.
This is very good, Jason. Wish I could write something like this in fifteen minutes. Poor vampire boy.
Jason.
Brief but you packed a lot in there.
Found it easy to follow despite reading it with loads of distractions.
Looking forward to next Friday.
Love the brevity and bite (sorry, pun not really intended) to this. You put enough in here to allow the user fill in the rest.
Good story, conveyed with emotion and mystery. The reveal at the end is excellent. I had a problem with this part of one sentence -'his eyes are dry, and not, he sees'.
An object lesson in how to create a lot with a little … at first I wondered if it was his ghost, but no … much worse … Well done, Jason.
I was a little confused by the opening paragraph, because "what they found out there" seems to refer to his remains, but we know those remains are in this box, so they can't be in an incinerator. If you could reference that he guesses he was cremated before now but doesn't know, that might clear things up. Otherwise, the brevity works really well in drawing a supernatural portrait. Exactly what he's become is tantalizing.
I felt his anxiety at turning into something new; his new need and it moved me. The tone of piece was perfect: solemn, direct and deathly.
I really liked this sentence: "He wills the truth to not be so plain." I could almost see his new dead eyes wishing "don't let it be so, don't let it be so."
A young bloodsucker; how timely. I wonder if the older one is going to teach him the ways. Will he grow and stay forever so young? I feel satisfied and intrigued at the same time.